Self-Talk #2

“Light in the Middle of The Road”

Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, I was ‘locked up’ at home for almost 4 months as per required. The period of Movement Control Order (MCO) has been both heaven and hell for me. A side of me felt elated because I received the ‘holiday’ that I wanted, away from clinics and stuffs, close to family and home. But another side of me disagreed with the thought of running away, felt super useless, anxious and uncertain of what’s going on with myself.

It was a tiring battle within myself. I had several breakdowns. I thought I would be better once I am at home, but I guess it is not as easy as I thought it would be. I was so tired of seeing this side of me. I’d be like, “Why would you feel like this? Aren’t you grateful enough? What you are going through is not even that bad, why do you have to be so ‘over’?” *scoffs* Haha I know, thinking like that would make things worse. But I don’t know in my mind it feels like there are two parts fighting with each other. One keeps trying to motivate me, one keeps trying to bring me down. It’s like, you know, the angel and devil sitting on both of your shoulders that you would always see in the movies. No kidding XD

Just when I felt like my legs couldn’t keep up with this journey, I was again blessed with an opportunity. I received a job offer, sent my application, called for the interview and eventually I passed. I got the job! Eventhough I haven’t finished my studies. Everything went super smooth, from the application to the post-interview, I can’t help but feel both happy and anxious too.

For a long time I felt like I was walking through a hazy road, I can barely see what’s in front of me. At some points I saw flashes of light guiding me through this road, I saw plenty of signs that told me that I should keep going despite the uncertainties. But this particular event, this opportunity, is like a ray of light waiting me in the middle of the road saying,

“Come here, no matter what you have to come here. I am opening another path for you. I won’t say it would be better than this path you’re going through, I won’t say the road here won’t be as hazy as you’re going through now. But don’t just stop there, keep walking towards me.”

I feel blessed. Thank you.

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09072020

0841HRS

Self-Talk #1

“Me and My Emotions”

I have been such a mess since a few weeks ago. No, should I say, since a few years ago. I’ve been trying to improve myself day by day. Some days I succeeded, and some other days I failed tremendously. I super love it when I am productive, I love it really. But I can’t seem to continue that momentum and make it last for even a week. Especially on holidays, I failed to keep myself on track on holidays. So sometimes I hate holidays because of things like this. I became super unproductive, super lazy, super emotional, super hate myself and all that. Half of me like holidays and half of me hates it. Can you relate? Hmm..

Anyways, to make myself more productive, I decided to enliven my blog a little more. Instead of just posting the poems I wrote, I’ll post an entry of my what-I-did-today or what-I-thought-about-today kind of thing once a week. At least, I have something to do, right? I used to keep a diary/journal when I was a kid, the diaries were all my dear friend. But nowadays, I don’t do it as often. So, I’ll try to commit myself to this #ADayinAWeek challenge I made to myself. And this challenge starts this week, hopefully, but not this entry 😊 I made this #SelfTalk post because I feel like doing it, ranting about things I could not say and just so that I can monitor and regulate myself better. This kind of posts, if ever make another in the future, will not be about anyone but myself. My therapist suggested me to do this so I hope I can commit to this activity often.

So, what triggered me to write this is because I have been feeling super angry this whole week. I get mad at everything and everyone (especially my siblings, sorry). And I thought about this.

Back in 2017, when I was still emotionally stable, I used to be the person who people often seek for when they need someone to talk to. I don’t mind, really. In fact, I liked it because when they talk to me more, I know about them more. But things just get out of hand, when they started shifting their emotions to me. When they are angry, they let it out on me, they cursed me they get mad at me. At first, I thought I’ll just go with it, I know they were not really mad at me. Little did I know, it affected me emotionally. I was totally drained, I felt like a punching bag. I became less empathetic, less caring. I get easily angry and annoyed. I can even curse now. Now whenever anyone wants to find me, I’ll run away. And I hate myself for that.

I am not putting the blame on anyone but me. I should have said “Stop, that’s enough”, or “I can’t deal with any more than this” when I needed to. I should have asked for space when I wanted to. I should have told them directly that they have crossed the line, that no matter how angry they are it is not right to make other people feel like it is their fault too. I should have done my part, but I didn’t. Now that I am this emotionally unstable, I can’t even help my friends out there. That makes me feel so useless and damn I hate myself so much.

I, am truly sorry.

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23042020

0330HRS