Self-Talk #1

“Me and My Emotions”

I have been such a mess since a few weeks ago. No, should I say, since a few years ago. I’ve been trying to improve myself day by day. Some days I succeeded, and some other days I failed tremendously. I super love it when I am productive, I love it really. But I can’t seem to continue that momentum and make it last for even a week. Especially on holidays, I failed to keep myself on track on holidays. So sometimes I hate holidays because of things like this. I became super unproductive, super lazy, super emotional, super hate myself and all that. Half of me like holidays and half of me hates it. Can you relate? Hmm..

Anyways, to make myself more productive, I decided to enliven my blog a little more. Instead of just posting the poems I wrote, I’ll post an entry of my what-I-did-today or what-I-thought-about-today kind of thing once a week. At least, I have something to do, right? I used to keep a diary/journal when I was a kid, the diaries were all my dear friend. But nowadays, I don’t do it as often. So, I’ll try to commit myself to this #ADayinAWeek challenge I made to myself. And this challenge starts this week, hopefully, but not this entry 😊 I made this #SelfTalk post because I feel like doing it, ranting about things I could not say and just so that I can monitor and regulate myself better. This kind of posts, if ever make another in the future, will not be about anyone but myself. My therapist suggested me to do this so I hope I can commit to this activity often.

So, what triggered me to write this is because I have been feeling super angry this whole week. I get mad at everything and everyone (especially my siblings, sorry). And I thought about this.

Back in 2017, when I was still emotionally stable, I used to be the person who people often seek for when they need someone to talk to. I don’t mind, really. In fact, I liked it because when they talk to me more, I know about them more. But things just get out of hand, when they started shifting their emotions to me. When they are angry, they let it out on me, they cursed me they get mad at me. At first, I thought I’ll just go with it, I know they were not really mad at me. Little did I know, it affected me emotionally. I was totally drained, I felt like a punching bag. I became less empathetic, less caring. I get easily angry and annoyed. I can even curse now. Now whenever anyone wants to find me, I’ll run away. And I hate myself for that.

I am not putting the blame on anyone but me. I should have said “Stop, that’s enough”, or “I can’t deal with any more than this” when I needed to. I should have asked for space when I wanted to. I should have told them directly that they have crossed the line, that no matter how angry they are it is not right to make other people feel like it is their fault too. I should have done my part, but I didn’t. Now that I am this emotionally unstable, I can’t even help my friends out there. That makes me feel so useless and damn I hate myself so much.

I, am truly sorry.

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23042020

0330HRS

Complicated Me

I feel sorry for all the people who crosses paths with me.

I know, sometimes they feel unwanted or uneasy with my sudden mood changes. i feel bad, really.

Sometimes, I want to be close, sometimes I just want to distance myself from everyone. It’s confusing, really. Even I am confused with myself, most of the time.

I feel so lonely but I don’t want to talk to anyone. sometimes I feel so far away from the people close to me. Sometimes I feel so close to the people far away from me. Sometimes I feel lonely even with the people surrounding me.

It’s not even their fault, but i feel like this feeling I have affects them too. And I feel terribly sorry for that.

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10102019

1607HRS

Upon Realizing

10^th January 2015 | 9.21 p.m.

I woke up this morning by the sound of my cat mewing outside my room. It’s like a routine for my cat to enter my room. Whether it stays with me the whole night sleeping beside me, or waking me up early in the morning by making sounds in front of the door. So, I wake up, let the cat come in and we both snuggled in bed. Hahaha cats are just so cute :3 After an hour playing with her, I went downstairs. I was greeted by a gloomy atmosphere. My mom in front of her laptop looking stressed, my dad watching the tv. The tense feeling was suffocating me I was unable to make any sound.

I know. There have been a lot going on the house. With the water crisis still going on in my house and the school’s opening soon, there must be a lot of burden on my parent’s shoulders. I have been whining (by myself) about how my parents work all the time. Even during holidays, weekends. I keep complaining on how they didn’t spend time with us, their children. I keep on asking myself why do they need to work hard, searching for money when all I need was for them to give me at least a bit of attention. All I want was for them to take care of themselves more and not come back home being sick all the time.  I keep on asking why, why, why.. Not realizing that all their hard work, the benefits goes to us.

I am the first daughter of the family. I was borned  when my parents were in their 20s. I spent the longest time with my parents compared to my younger siblings. I’ve experienced a lot. As the first daughter, I was given full attention from them since I was little. I was their first child, so my firsts was their firsts too. The first time I called them mom and dad was probably the first time they were called like that. The first time I went to school was the first time they have ever sent their own child to the school. And the first time I entered university was also their first time managing their teenage daughter from a far distance.

I now realized how much it costs living a life in university. The costs for my siblings’ studies, payment of the house, cars and other living expenses.  They costs a lot, and all those money came from my parents. They worked hard for us. I wasn’t borned in a rich family. My family was considered as the medium wealth family. Alhamdulillah. I realized how hard it is for my parents. While I was sitting and complaining, they were working, thinking about their children. But I’m still sad. I wished they would take a rest for a while, considering their health.

As I watch my dad, I realized his hair was covered in white. The black hair I used to see when I was little is no longer there. As I was growing older, my parents  were aging too.  Their body couldn’t handle too much work like they used to before. They often get sick now. Proving that they are not as youthful as before. I’ll have to work hard too. So that their hard work would not be wasted. You know what am I thinking about right now? I’m imagining.. The time when my parent’s would sit down, enjoy their old days together, without having to worry about anything.  And they’ll look at their children and say, “ We have never been happier than to see our children become such great persons. All those hard times has been payed. We’re proud of you.”

I think I have found my dream now. 🙂