Self-Talk #1

“Me and My Emotions”

I have been such a mess since a few weeks ago. No, should I say, since a few years ago. I’ve been trying to improve myself day by day. Some days I succeeded, and some other days I failed tremendously. I super love it when I am productive, I love it really. But I can’t seem to continue that momentum and make it last for even a week. Especially on holidays, I failed to keep myself on track on holidays. So sometimes I hate holidays because of things like this. I became super unproductive, super lazy, super emotional, super hate myself and all that. Half of me like holidays and half of me hates it. Can you relate? Hmm..

Anyways, to make myself more productive, I decided to enliven my blog a little more. Instead of just posting the poems I wrote, I’ll post an entry of my what-I-did-today or what-I-thought-about-today kind of thing once a week. At least, I have something to do, right? I used to keep a diary/journal when I was a kid, the diaries were all my dear friend. But nowadays, I don’t do it as often. So, I’ll try to commit myself to this #ADayinAWeek challenge I made to myself. And this challenge starts this week, hopefully, but not this entry 😊 I made this #SelfTalk post because I feel like doing it, ranting about things I could not say and just so that I can monitor and regulate myself better. This kind of posts, if ever make another in the future, will not be about anyone but myself. My therapist suggested me to do this so I hope I can commit to this activity often.

So, what triggered me to write this is because I have been feeling super angry this whole week. I get mad at everything and everyone (especially my siblings, sorry). And I thought about this.

Back in 2017, when I was still emotionally stable, I used to be the person who people often seek for when they need someone to talk to. I don’t mind, really. In fact, I liked it because when they talk to me more, I know about them more. But things just get out of hand, when they started shifting their emotions to me. When they are angry, they let it out on me, they cursed me they get mad at me. At first, I thought I’ll just go with it, I know they were not really mad at me. Little did I know, it affected me emotionally. I was totally drained, I felt like a punching bag. I became less empathetic, less caring. I get easily angry and annoyed. I can even curse now. Now whenever anyone wants to find me, I’ll run away. And I hate myself for that.

I am not putting the blame on anyone but me. I should have said “Stop, that’s enough”, or “I can’t deal with any more than this” when I needed to. I should have asked for space when I wanted to. I should have told them directly that they have crossed the line, that no matter how angry they are it is not right to make other people feel like it is their fault too. I should have done my part, but I didn’t. Now that I am this emotionally unstable, I can’t even help my friends out there. That makes me feel so useless and damn I hate myself so much.

I, am truly sorry.

…

23042020

0330HRS

You and I

I was a girl,

Who used to be locked inside her own door,

But some just had the powers to let themselves inside,

And you are one of them.

 

You and I,

were having the time of our lives,

We bared our hearts to each other

We found the same things we would bother,

And I thought that was why we clicked so well

We were so similar, it killed us as hell.

 

All your smiles, laughs and fears,

Which one of it were true?

Your words, actions and tears,

Was it right to believe in you?

Seeing all these different sides of you,

I don’t know what to do..

All I wanted to ask was,

Which is the real you?

 

We used to be close, but not anymore

I opened it once, now I’m closing the door

You act like you cared me, all you did was just drained me

If I leave you, would you blame it on me?

…

Written on,

21042020

2030HRS

The Heart

May Allah purify our hearts.

So we can appreciate more good things,

and learned lessons from all the bad things.

So we can stop talking bad about other,

and start focusing on making ourselves better.

So we can live happily,

without hatred, insecurity, and the poison of negativity.

May Allah purify our hearts,

Our solely, tainted hearts

…

Written on, 

26082019

1904 HRS