If you see the dark side of me
Would you still love me the same?
Lies aside, I know you won’t
If I can’t do it, why would you.
…
Written on,
17052020
1400HRS
“Me and My Emotions”
I have been such a mess since a few weeks ago. No, should I say, since a few years ago. I’ve been trying to improve myself day by day. Some days I succeeded, and some other days I failed tremendously. I super love it when I am productive, I love it really. But I can’t seem to continue that momentum and make it last for even a week. Especially on holidays, I failed to keep myself on track on holidays. So sometimes I hate holidays because of things like this. I became super unproductive, super lazy, super emotional, super hate myself and all that. Half of me like holidays and half of me hates it. Can you relate? Hmm..
Anyways, to make myself more productive, I decided to enliven my blog a little more. Instead of just posting the poems I wrote, I’ll post an entry of my what-I-did-today or what-I-thought-about-today kind of thing once a week. At least, I have something to do, right? I used to keep a diary/journal when I was a kid, the diaries were all my dear friend. But nowadays, I don’t do it as often. So, I’ll try to commit myself to this #ADayinAWeek challenge I made to myself. And this challenge starts this week, hopefully, but not this entry 😊 I made this #SelfTalk post because I feel like doing it, ranting about things I could not say and just so that I can monitor and regulate myself better. This kind of posts, if ever make another in the future, will not be about anyone but myself. My therapist suggested me to do this so I hope I can commit to this activity often.
So, what triggered me to write this is because I have been feeling super angry this whole week. I get mad at everything and everyone (especially my siblings, sorry). And I thought about this.
Back in 2017, when I was still emotionally stable, I used to be the person who people often seek for when they need someone to talk to. I don’t mind, really. In fact, I liked it because when they talk to me more, I know about them more. But things just get out of hand, when they started shifting their emotions to me. When they are angry, they let it out on me, they cursed me they get mad at me. At first, I thought I’ll just go with it, I know they were not really mad at me. Little did I know, it affected me emotionally. I was totally drained, I felt like a punching bag. I became less empathetic, less caring. I get easily angry and annoyed. I can even curse now. Now whenever anyone wants to find me, I’ll run away. And I hate myself for that.
I am not putting the blame on anyone but me. I should have said “Stop, that’s enough”, or “I can’t deal with any more than this” when I needed to. I should have asked for space when I wanted to. I should have told them directly that they have crossed the line, that no matter how angry they are it is not right to make other people feel like it is their fault too. I should have done my part, but I didn’t. Now that I am this emotionally unstable, I can’t even help my friends out there. That makes me feel so useless and damn I hate myself so much.
I, am truly sorry.
…
23042020
0330HRS
All this time
I’ve been asking why
“Why did I do this?”
“Why am I doing this?”
“Why can’t I change?”
“Why am I not changing?”
…
Trying to find the answers,
Eagerly I pushed myself to enter the maze called life,
As I go deeper, the ray of light that guided me started to fade
The walls that build up this maze seems to grow taller
The road in front seems darker and darker.
I can no longer see where this path I’m taking will lead me.
…
How far did I go?
How long did I take?
What did I do?
I lost count.
I lost myself.
I’m lost.
…
I thought if I keep moving forward
I’ll find my way out of this place.
But why is it that,
The steps I took, the changes I’ve made,
All of it brought me to the same old mess?
…
18072018
1450 HRS
Secret Hideaway 