Self-Talk #2

“Light in the Middle of The Road”

Due to the COVID-19 pandemic, I was ‘locked up’ at home for almost 4 months as per required. The period of Movement Control Order (MCO) has been both heaven and hell for me. A side of me felt elated because I received the ‘holiday’ that I wanted, away from clinics and stuffs, close to family and home. But another side of me disagreed with the thought of running away, felt super useless, anxious and uncertain of what’s going on with myself.

It was a tiring battle within myself. I had several breakdowns. I thought I would be better once I am at home, but I guess it is not as easy as I thought it would be. I was so tired of seeing this side of me. I’d be like, “Why would you feel like this? Aren’t you grateful enough? What you are going through is not even that bad, why do you have to be so ‘over’?” *scoffs* Haha I know, thinking like that would make things worse. But I don’t know in my mind it feels like there are two parts fighting with each other. One keeps trying to motivate me, one keeps trying to bring me down. It’s like, you know, the angel and devil sitting on both of your shoulders that you would always see in the movies. No kidding XD

Just when I felt like my legs couldn’t keep up with this journey, I was again blessed with an opportunity. I received a job offer, sent my application, called for the interview and eventually I passed. I got the job! Eventhough I haven’t finished my studies. Everything went super smooth, from the application to the post-interview, I can’t help but feel both happy and anxious too.

For a long time I felt like I was walking through a hazy road, I can barely see what’s in front of me. At some points I saw flashes of light guiding me through this road, I saw plenty of signs that told me that I should keep going despite the uncertainties. But this particular event, this opportunity, is like a ray of light waiting me in the middle of the road saying,

“Come here, no matter what you have to come here. I am opening another path for you. I won’t say it would be better than this path you’re going through, I won’t say the road here won’t be as hazy as you’re going through now. But don’t just stop there, keep walking towards me.”

I feel blessed. Thank you.

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09072020

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